kurt's nightmare

Generally, I post once a week. Topics are randomly selected and depend mostly upon whether it's baseball season or not. Other topics will include sex, politics, old girlfriends, music, and whatever else pops into my little brain. If you'd like to read, or ignore, my blog about China: http://meidabizi.blogspot.com/

Location: Dayton, OH, Heard & McDonald Islands

I'm an Associate Professor of Philosophy at the University of Dayton. I represent no one but myself, and barely do that. I'm here mostly by accident.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Grimm? Or Grim?

Once upon a time, there was a good but clueless King, known to his subjects as Herb the Hapless. Herb tried to follow in the footsteps of previous Kings, but rarely seemed to know where he was going or how to get there. When he was deposed by Jefferson the Lech, no one really seemed to mind.

Herb the Hapless had two sons, both of noble birth and breeding, and, as is often the case, the younger son Walker the Weakling had come by his name honestly. An indifferent student, Walker focused on having fun, apparently having a deep affection for dipping his beak in the King's caskets of ale.

As luck would have it, the Kingdom sought in vain for an heir to Jefferson the Lech, and thus a hue and cry went throughout the realm, seeking a just and righteous leader to follow him. Various suitors for the crown were examined and eliminated, through a variety of palace intrigues and whispering campaigns, and, ultimately, the only one left standing was Walker the Weakling. Pointing to his illustrous lineage, his outstanding academic degrees (albeit deflecting attention from the actual work involved), his success at business (which generally seemed to be the result of his father's friends giving him money), Walker declared himself King amid much pomp, and noted his popular acclaim from the masses. (In doing so, he tended to neglect his actual lack of popularity, and the nagging but substantial part of the people who regarded him as, at best, an idiot.)

Things went along in the kingdom, with Walker's mediocre rule reveling in its mediocrity, while making his friends and his father's friends very wealthy; in turn, his father's friends became his most trusted advisor's, from the chief advisor Warrior Dick the Mighty Hunter to the wily courtier James of the Deal, who was able to secure Walker the Weakling's original seat on the throne.

Then, one horrific day, the Kingdom was invaded. After a momentary--if predictable--moment of confusion, the King united his Kingdom against the evildoers. Having used his enormous army to pummel a weak and disorganized enemy, he then turned to invade another country. Explaining his reasoning, he stated, more or less, in his Victorian third-person, "We've invaded them because we could."

Sadly, those who had attacked the Kingdom became stronger, the Kingdom attacked became a charnel house for those who lived there and who had nothing to do with attacking the Kingdom of Walker the Weakling; a reign that began in mediocrity became bad, then worse.

Walker the Weakling, as he had so many times in the past, turned to his father Herbert the Hapless for help. "Father, I've made a bad mistake. I can't change it, I can't turn back, and I can't go forward. Please help."

And, as he had so many times in the past, Herbert the Hapless sent his most cunning, most clever courtier, James of the Deal, who had saved Walker so often in the past. Perhaps only James of the Deal could save Walker the Weakling from the popular demand for Walker to abdicate his throne, just as so often he had abdicated his responsibility.

Yet, on that somber and chilly day, James of the Deal came to Walker the Weakling with a sorrowful countenance. "I'm sorry, my liege, but I've looked in my bag of tricks, and it is empty. Thus I can offer no hope, and neither can your good father. They were all used up, to get you on the throne, and to keep you on the throne. I can't even find a trick to scare your subjects enough for them to ignore the plight you--and they--are in. Your highness, evidently the Lord has declared that, for once, you've been stubbborn or stupid enough to get yourself finally into a fix from which you must extract yourself. The real trick will, of course, be providing a solution to a problem that can't be solved."

With that, Walker the Weakling shook his head, mystified. After having Warrior Dick the Mighty Hunter explain to him what James of the Deal had said, Walker the Weakling paled, cried briefly, held his head in his hands, and thought very hard--harder than he had in many, many years.

Finally, he stood, inhaled deeply, and strode forthrightly to the phone. "Get me Karl the Marketer. Tell him I need his help on explaining to the Kingdom how we have won."


Blogger Bazarov said...

Excellent! If you ever get an urge to write more of these, let me know. I'm looking for contributors to Free-Fiction. So far it's just me telling stories that have a lot of toliet humor in them. They won't all be that way, but it's fun when they are, hmm?

I really liked that one paragraph that was just one long sentence. The old style of writing, like when Cervantes could fill an entire page with not one period...ahh, those were the days.

5:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:11 AM  
Blogger TRIANGIRL said...

Whoa! Where’s the “happily ever after” ending to your fairytale? It could go something like this: Suddenly, the mighty Democraticus came riding in on his trusty white donkey shouting, “Wake up you fools and smell the Roves! Open your eyes and see past his smokescreens!” The people cheered, casting their ballots in his favor and their eyes heavenward. He jauntily dismounted, and gallantly threw himself at the feet of the beautiful and high-strung Nancy of Liberalias. As they passionately embraced, the sun emerged from behind a cloud, the national debt disappeared, peace reigned in the Middle East, the immigration “problema” was solved, racism became a sordid memory, crime dwindled, the economy rebounded, and people from all walks of life joined hands in song.

5:22 PM  
Blogger kmosser said...

it could . . . .

and what song would it be?

why am i dubious that anyone who could get elected has thereby been omitted from the candidates for improving things substantially?

a bit cynical, perhaps.

9:06 AM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi people
I do not know what to give for Christmas of the to friends, advise something ....

9:06 AM  
Blogger Bazarov said...

I've heard a new book on Kant may come out soon. That would make a nice stocking stuffer?

10:33 AM  
Blogger kmosser said...

"I do not know what to give for Christmas of the to friends, advise something ...."

A grammar book, perhaps? Or Mavis Beacon teaches typing?

The really cool Kant book won't be hitting the shelves this Christmas, but look for a "Tickle Me Elmo" type madness for it next Christmas.

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